I’m a mom. I need to write that one more time. I. AM. A. MOM! How crazy is that? I’ve been a mom for a little more than a year and I still have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing. Every night is a win when I see Coakley asleep in his bed.  Someone asked me the other day what’s been the hardest part of motherhood. My answer? EVERYTHING! I was also asked what’s the best part of motherhood. My answer? EVERYTHING! Go figure.

This year has been an exhilarating ride.  Coakley is pure joy and all boy. From the MOMENT I was able to feel my little love move, I knew I was in trouble. My son has been in constant motion; rolling over at 3 months, walking by 7, running at 8, and climbing everything by 9 months. His doctor says he’s a 1 year old trapped inside of a 2 year old’s body. So needless to say like most mothers I spend my days chasing my busybody and saying “No” – I truly believe he thinks his name is “No Coakley” because I say it to him NON-stop.

But I wouldn’t want it any other way. He truly is our blessing. He is a funny, happy child, who is always smiling. Coakley is curious and loves people. He is a social butterfly (NO idea where he gets it from :)). We are very lucky. We have a happy, healthy, little boy who sleeps 12 hours a night (sleep training – it’s KEY). We can NOT complain. But I do sometimes. Motherhood has been an adjustment and it is damn hard.

For 37 years, I lived MY life. I would come and go as I pleased. I would book a trip out of the country in a week’s notice. I would go out with the girls, drink wine (I still do that!). I would shop without a care in the world. Now, my schedule revolves around a boy who’s 33 inches long! To be honest, I sometimes miss the freedom. I feel bad saying that, I feel guilty saying that.

Ahhhhh – the guilt. Guilt now consumes me.  Please tell me it goes away in year two. (PUH-LEASE!)  I feel guilty ALL the time. Heck, I feel guilty about feeling guilty! But I’m slowly learning that it’s ok. It’s ok that I don’t spend 24/7 with Coakley. It’s ok that I go for a run. It’s ok I go and get my nails done or meet my girlfriends for dinner. It’s ok if Scott and I go on trips. It’s ok that I still love my job.  I’m still learning how to balance it all.  I don’t think I will ever master it. And seriously mad props to the Mothers who have multiple children. Dear God, you are my heros. I have NO clue how my mother raised 5! I can barely keep it together with one. However, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Seeing my crazy Coakley, no matter how bad or perfect my day was, makes my heart smile. I might not ever master motherhood but who cares! As long as my boy continues to laugh and smile – I must be doing something right.

Oh and one last thing – to all the moms out there who I judged when I was single. You know, the ones with children screaming on a flight, having meltdowns in public or throwing things at a restaurant. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.